I’ll never forget. Joe and I were wrapping up date night at one of our favorite dessert spots… Halfway through sharing some delicious creme brulee, I put my head down and just started to cry. Yep. Right there in the middle of the restaurant. Tears were flowin’!
“…What just happened? Did I say something? Is it that time of the month?” Joe started to ask all the questions!
The truth was, nothing in that moment had happened. Instead, months of build up had happened, and this was simply the moment where I broke. Where everything that I had been feeling and holding inside, came to a head.
For months, I felt like we had become so busy with our own lives and our own commitments that I just felt really far away from him.
Sure we lived together, but I didn’t feel like we were truly LIVING together.
I’m not a marriage expert, nor will I ever try to be one. I’m just gonna put that out there!
But I do know from a decent amount of experience, that marriage takes a lot of daily hard work. And just when you feel like you’re in a really great season, a curveball from left field can be thrown at you, and you have to figure out how to run to home without getting thrown out.
If you’re in a season of feeling disconnected with your spouse right now, trust me when I say, these feelings are totally normal, and there is hope. I’ve been where you are. Joe and I too, have been in seasons where we’ve felt really disconnected and we have to re-evaluate what’s goin’ on and how to fix it.
At the end of the day, all of us want to do life WITH our spouse, not in front of or behind them. Am I right? We want to feel deeply rooted in our connection.
If this is speaking to you right now, then I want to help you get started. Here are 5 ways Joe and I have grown some muscles in our marriage to build a relationship built on teamwork and a healthy dependence on eachother.
Before I share these 5 things with you, let me just say, this isn’t an end all be all list, but it’s a start. And I hope you can find some takeaways from this that will be helpful in your marriage.
5 WAYS TO DO LIFE WITH YOUR SPOUSE
1. Have a Weekly Meeting
One really big thing that led to my breakdown over creme brulee was that I felt like our date nights had just become a meeting. It was a time where I filled Joe in on home life and he filled me in on his work life. It felt really rigid, boring, and like we had lost sense of how to have fun together.
So, to help with this, we started having a weekly meeting with eachother. Every week, we sit down for 15 minutes or so and go through the week. We literally pull out our shared google calendar and talk through everything that’s going on.
Are there things happening that we need to make a joint decision on? How can we lean on eachother? Where can we fill in the gap for one another?
A weekly meeting with your spouse is a total game-changer. And so helpful to make sure you both are on the same page with what’s going on for the week.
Ready to learn more about how to work as a team with your spouse? Click here to learn more about the Calm Your Chaos course.
2. Keep Date Night Fun
To be honest, my favorite kind of date night is sitting at a nice restaurant, with some delicious food and a glass of wine and just talking with Joe without 3 little humans yelling my name over and over. But sometimes when life feels heavy, and we find ourselves in a slump, we try to be really intentional about going and doing something fun together.
Sometimes you just need to light the fire again and create fun! If you find yourself in a slumpy season, then go do a legit activity with your spouse. Do something that will make you laugh and take the focus off of just talking.
Here’s a few ideas to get you thinking:
- Go on a hike
- Hit up a game at Top Golf
- Go bowling
- Do a painting class
- Take a cooking class
- Do a food tour in your town
- Go on a segway tour
3. Take Advantage of the Small Moments to Connect
Especially if your kids are young, it can sometimes feel like there isn’t a lot of time to really connect, outside of date night or after the kids go to bed. So, you have to look for the small moments. Sometimes they are micro small, but they are so worth taking advantage of when you find them.
Here’s a couple examples of small moments to tap into…
- If the kids are all playing outside, take a minute to stop, sit down, and have a legit conversation with your spouse.
- If you’re on a family walk, let the kids walk/ride ahead of you, and enjoy a conversation together. (this is one of our favorite things to do)
- Stay at the dinner table a little longer, to talk. We all know, our kids like to eat and be on their way. So instead of cleaning up right away, sit there and talk with eachother.
4. Connect Even When You’re Apart
Joe has a pretty intense job, and when he’s at work, he doesn’t really have a chance to call and touch base during the day. When he’s at work, he’s 100%, at work. This was hard for me for a long time because sometimes you just like hearing from your husband during the day, ya know?!
So to help, we have majorly stepped up our texting game.
Sometimes the simplest text message from your spouse in the middle of a hectic day, can mean the world.
Just knowing that Joe’s taken a moment out of his crazy day to think of me and send a text message, is sooo what I need sometimes. It’s such a simple but powerful was to connect even when you’re apart.
Try this out with your spouse. Don’t overthink it. Something as simple as,
“Hey babe, missin’ you today, can’t wait to see you tonight. Love youuuuu!”
…can literally mean everything to your spouse!
5. Find Ways to Fill in the Gap for Eachother
Let’s be honest, as women we like to feel safe, secure and like our husbands have our back. One of my all time favorite things is when Joe does something to help me out. When he notices an area where I could really use some help and he steps up.
Likewise, our men appreciate this from us as well.
What’s something you could do this week to help out your spouse? What’s a way you could build him up this week or encourage him?
Filling in the gap for eachother, fosters a relationship built on teamwork, trust, and friendship.
Marriage is work. Lots and lots of work. And if anyone ever tells you it’s not, well I’m sorry, they’re lying to you.
It’s just not like the fairytale between Jamie and Clair Fraser from Outlander.
BUT it is extremely rewarding and fulfilling when you put in the work. Your hard work does pay off. Your bond deepens and your friendship grows in such an amazing way.
If you’re feeling like you just don’t even know where to start. What to even implement first, then I want you to start with a simple conversation with your spouse. Talk about how you’re feeling, don’t hold in all of those emotions. Communication is everything. And then once you talk, come up with a plan. What could you start working on this week to start doing life together. Literally talk through this blog post and decide what step 1 will be for you.
And then, don’t get discouraged in the process. Change won’t happen overnight. It’s a daily practice, but if you’re both committed, you will get there and it will be so worth it!
Want to learn more about how to work as a team with your spouse?
Joe and I go into a lot of detail about this topic in the Calm Your Chaos Course. We talk about the hardships in our marriage, and what we did to work toward a deeper relationship built on teamwork, friendship, and trust. And then we teach you how to do the same. It’s one of my favorite parts of the course!
Sound like something you need right now? Then click below to learn more about the Calm Your Chaos course.